Loss

This grotesque enemy hits closer to me yet again,like a tsunami but not wreckin the environment targetin the source of my being,I'm not climatologistic nor even psychic but this disaster I had envisioned like the first time it hit closest to home,leaving behind torn hearts and wondering souls,self blame self pitty,filled with doubt of a greater being in control,question marks,tears drop,fear flocks,you is the cause...ashes to ashes,dust to dust,more doubt and hopes of seeing each in a coming world

Crownless Princess.....the odd one out!

a black sheep of the herd, stickin out like a sore thumb, the only black on the dinner table, ibhokhwe ezi gusheni!whatever u choose it, I've always felt that way all my life. Like I'm an allien or something, but funny enough I never wanted to make things any different, maybe try to adopt and adapt to the behaviour of my friends or family. Since primary I was always the youngest in the class. Started school at five(5) But I could already read and write by the age four.I remember the first day our teacher said we are princesses and our hair is our crown girl's, I this common kid's condition which made my scalp ichy so mummy made me shave my hair all time, I loved it too. So "sticking out" me asked my teacher if wasn't I a princess because I was bald, lookin her right in the eyes. Dumb struck she said I was,even though I do not have a crown. That confused the living hell out of me. But it wasn't the last. Seems like being odd is marked on me for life. Throughout my school life I walked a little crooked than the other girls. hated the idea of wearing mini school uniform skirts. Was told I'm pretty but I quote "not that wow pretty"...like I give a fly!..ODD?Listening to Rock 'n Roll even though was born and bred in the ghetto and country? Thinkin Marylin Monroe is the ultimate role model? Had I been not that twisted I would have had friends that are friendly. Coz those I had were the opposite of being friendly to me. Now my four very common school friends(that were never friendly) all have something in common, babies, dropping out of versity, being low lives, me,I'm not perfect either but I'm still stickin it out! Really as each day goes by I realise that being the allien I am helps me BE. Friendly, I am, very much so. But I don't like people who as we get closer think they can mould me and make me who they want me to be, just so they. could see some of their own character in me!I mean what the hack. Now I apply a rules when pickin em, coz friends are I can choose, unlike family which is another topic for another story(PHEW). Now I'm used to the stares from people when I walk in town. Always being looked at like I have something nasty written on me, like I'm a new species of the human animal. Even tried a million times to turn her "crownless princess" to a "normal lady" but eventually gave up!she told me on my 21st birthday that she finally realises that her special baby is now the butterfly in the colour she chose herself from the days she was still a caterpilla,though she has loved me all my life!this was just another confirmation. The weird hairdos, wicked stockings, the crazy sneaks.All accepted and loved!

one gone

Gone gone!how could this be,just six hours ago we were all hunky dorry!can't keep hands off each other!staring at each other's pupils as though we could see through them and get to know what's happening in our equally twisted minds of ours!thinkin back to the time we first met!when your hypnotic eyes met mine!just like in the movies all shit went in slow mo sloow motion...but had to let all slide cause we knew your boy would not like!I rember we were listening to your favourites one after the other. all in that order!Necro,Ill Bill and Rakeem!now fast forward reality has hit,now can't share those special moments no more,your love was toxic anyway,but I enjoyed every minute of the chemical.now I'm detoxic and it's not a good feeling!but I got do what I gotta...it's not easy not one bit

I FEAR!

Great fear struck me this morning when reading a feature story about prophet and author Credo Mutwa’s previous predictions that have recently become a reality and future predictions for the country. All the papers published his prediction/prophecy he made about former president Thabo Mbeki’s removal last week. Mutwa said “I cannot see the whole of Thabo Mbeki’s term of office. I don’t know why. “Maybe I won’t live long enough to see the rest of it. Mbeki will have to use all his wisdom, sometimes his ruthlessness, to deal with what is coming” about ten years ago. Most recently, in an interview with City Press, he said he sees imminent danger still coming. I must admit that this statement, like my grandma’s mythical educational stories, it does send shivers down my spine. Massive sadness for my people and I shoots my heart. At the beginning of Mbeki’s removal saga I must admit it was interesting, because for once I noticed that ordinary South Africans were engaging in discussions about politics of their country, which I think is good for every democratic nation. People in taxis were discussing it, shockingly with a lot of intelligence. But recently, the interest in the public dialogue has turned to fear. People are not only taking sides in this, but use very violent language to make their points known. One man(anonymous, but a member of the ANC, he confirmed to me) this morning talked about Zuma and Mbeki sides as though they are rivals ready to battle it out. Using tribalism as his main tool he said “South Africa can never be ruled by a boy” referring to Zuma because he is Zulu and they don’t go to the bush. He went on to say, as much as Zuma’s people were prepared to fight for him, so was he and the branch’s fellow ANC members. Last week in Mtata two ward councilors were fired by the ANC branch because they attended former ANC chairperson Mosiuoa Lekota’s visit to the branch. Yesterday and today groups of students at the Walter Sisulu University, Zamukulungisa, in Mtata are fighting over votes for the campus, and the fight is within the students of SASCO which is one of the ANC affiliates. Word around campus is that they are divided like their big exemplary party, ANC. With the other group on Zuma’s side, and the other on the Lekota/ Mbeki camp. Two lives have now been lost in the fight, with one student shot, other one stabbed with an axe. While scores of students are brutally injured. Fellow intern and student at the campus who was there last night says one of the students stoned and stabbed is not even a member of the party in dispute. It saddens me to think of the family of this student, who innocently sent their child to get educated, and are now faced with this. These students are young people who follow an example of what their leaders are doing. Mbeki, Zuma and Lekota may not be exchanging fist blows, but anyone can tell they are contributing to the brewing war in this country. As for ANY youth league leader Julius Malema, he’s appalling. Talking about killing for Zuma, what does that say to the youth he’s the leader of? We would like to believe that South Africans can make their own mind, but please, get real; we know how much influence some people have on a large number of people in the country. So I’m trying to say what is happening now at the WSU campus is as a result of statements like Malema. And one thing is for sure, you conquer the mind of a youth, you dictate the future because youth is the future. Now that the word that violence is the way, it makes me wonder if this new prediction by tata Mutwa is really also going to come true. Where do I as an individual stand? All the excitement about casting my first vote in the general elections next year is slowly fading. There is no solid aposition and the only optional ruling party is collapsing.

The reason for all this I believe is the lack of tolerance and the ability to accept change. Lekota is not doing anything different from what Zuma and his boy Malema were doing, he’s throwing insults too. His statement about the freedom charter not saying “we will steal” was immature, He knows that the corruption charges against Zuma are still pending but he went on to say such a statement, how exactly does that add anything to the equation? As for Mbeki, I will say this once more, his silence is deafning. I wonder what is it that he plans to do. will he joing the "new ANC" and lead there after all the attention has shifted away from him?Why would Lekota start a party because of the "ill treatment" of Mbeki and not consult him first? I think Mbeki is playing with South African's mind. He wants to remain the innoccent guy who went down without protest and listened to the people who put him as president. A lot of people seem to have forgotten that Mbeki is not as 'holy" as he would like us to believe.In the ANC summit before Polokwane, Mbeki dissmissed tatuMandela while he was giving word of advice on a certain. Apperently he blew him off like a fly. Saying tatuMandela had no say, he's just like any membership card holder in the ANC with nothing to add. What does one say to such arrogance? As for the Polokwane summit, it's a story for another day. He had to humilliate himself and try to compete for 3rd term. I'm not a fan of Zuma but, I hate a dictator more than anyting. There is no explanation in what he was trying to do. As an open minded person, I'm patiently waiting to hear if there is any truth to the inference by Judge Nicholson hinting that there could political motives behind Zuma's investigation. I just can't wait for the findings. Maybe that one truth can help the country heal all these wounds before they get any deeper because flies are starting to eat it up. But I wonder if a new party or the Judge's finding on the infered political interferance in the Zuma charges reverse the damage? I think not.

p.s:don't get it twisted, these are my opinions, based on my own commentary. So please don't crucify me.

too little time so much to do

Well there's a lot of catching up to be done but eish I aint got time.Anyway, Here goes, I got fired, cried, got used to it, sat at home for a month doing nothing and just trying to figure out what I will do differently next time. After noticing that I wasn't getting any replies from the big dogs in the media industry my last option was my hometown's community radio station eMthatha. Like I said it was really my last option to be able to graduate next year. I packed all my staff at home(in East London) went to eMthatha without even sending in my CV first, anyway who can do better at expressing my capabilities between I and a piece of paper?obviously ME!It went well, but problem is I DON'T GET PAID, not even a cent. Kuyafiwa ke apho, working each day knowing damn well that I wont get no money at the end of it. but the issue of passion comes up again. I get to do what I've always wanted to do here. Funny as it may sound, I've always wanted to sign out maan after finishing a report...kanje yabo...For CNN news I'm Zona Mpendulo...lmao...eish andkatsho ngok, ndisathi UCR fm, but it's a start nhe!ey call me vane or whatever, but I like being credited. Even with the whole newspaper and byline thing, it's all about recognition, you know. The satisfaction of knowing that your work is published and will be heard and seen. There isn't much of a difference in what I do here daily and what I used to do at the newspaper. I still go for diary meetings, go out there, interview people, do research yonke wethu, but the credit comes faster, and I get to do my cliche sign off.lol. It's going well, Qha I've had some embarassing moments, where I felt like never going back on air again while reading the news nhe!I started off nicely, hey andazanga kwaqalela phi!andabhuda hayi kangaka!I was doing the isiXhosa bulletin, a story bout some prisoners who escaped. hay ke ndatsho ndatsho, then this line was bout prison warders/wardens/whatever wethu andaz kthwan xa zibizwa, but ngesiXhosa ngaMadindala, ndabhidwa...khala ngoMadiba,madinana, I just froze nje from there. Just reading njee without feeling it or understanding what I was saying. I still find it hard to lough about it nangok. A good friend advised me to be easy on myself and lough at myself, but I can't....Anyway that's done...now I have another challenge facing me!I'm starting the grave yard program tonight, yinto endizaythetha naban eyo cwabaza ngobusuku talking to "ghost" listeners..hehee!but I'm looking forward to it. very excited. I've started compiling for it now, Cause I'm done at the news department. I'm very excited, I'm doing the show with Masta P, who's been with the station for a while now. Will tell you tomorrow ke uba i "late night virgin breaking"yam ihambe njani. Lonto ke I haven' t even told my Grandpa that I will be working late, I think he's gonna make a fuss bout it. My old man just can't get it through he skull that I'm old now, and I have to do these things. I heard from my uncle that uTamkhulu said ndiya Outta, yhe madoda, can't a girl live a little? He was talkin bout the fact that I went for drinks to a friend's place on Saturday, I got a bit tipsy(maybe not a bit) I just couldn't go home like that. but I did give him a call telling him a story. What did he want me to do ke? hay hay hay...
Ey mand'hambe
Later

September 11

Heh yaz this day has been on my mind since last week, I can't say I was looking forward to it, but bekukho this feeling I can't explain nje ngayo. Not because three of my friends are born today, not for the 9/11 American terror attacks, but because I'm giving birth to my second blog, a lighter one I think. check it out: http://ms-blaze.blog.com

peace be still

Positive!

Gosh! I woke up today in good spirits, having read an article in Cosmopolitan about having a positive out-look on life, having peace with the world and loving the ones around, despite the challenges I’m face with. This all sounded easily applicable, until the realities of my life hit me. Even the simplest of all things are complicated at the moment. To start off, I was playing the nice neighbour yesterday and borrowed the girl next door my cell phone charger. She was borrowing it for the second time now two days in a row. I understood the first time she wanted it because she gave me some kak story about forgetting hers at her sister’s place. Yesterday I got a bit pissed off, but thought to myself: loosen up, it’s only a charger! And damn I hate listening to that little voice now. I woke up this morning with my phone’s battery completely dead (all thanks to chatting with my long distance boyfriend till 2am on mxit), and guess what? My good neighbour had left for work and didn’t bring back my charger. Mind you, I’m currently looking for a job and am expecting calls from possible employers, what’s the positive now? Where is the bright side in this? I can’t see it! but I guess I just have to live with that now!damn late this afternoon when she comes back, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. With out any connection to the world, I lazily dragged myself out of bed and made breakfast, not cereal this time, I felt like having something junk and yes wait for it FATNING! My last night’s dinner leftovers did the trick. I warmed it up quickly and stuffed my face till I felt FAT and surprisingly HAPPY!Amazing!And I realised that even though the whole mood downer came in the form the charger saga, it wasn't the main source of my stress. It's my being unemployed that is.Well just between me and you, I wasn’t surprised by my sudden mood change. My junk food makes me happy. Well I’ve seen self help books and Dr. Phil bashing how comfort eating is, and yeah I agree with them for health purposes, but damn I can’t suffer in silence( in this case, Hunger). It’s not an everyday thing wethu. And hey there’s a bright side to this one. I may be going to gain a few kilos, but I’m happy. Spirits back on a high ke ngok, and with Common as my sound track for this morning, nothing can stop Me! while singing along to the song he did for the movie "Freedom writers" I have dream, something inside me suddenly came alive. Apart from the fact that I realised that yes, I am free, I am a writer, I am uZona and, yes I believe in me. I will succeed. Not even the fowl mouthed taxi driver that I used on my way to town wont put me down. Now listening to a tune by Mika called Relax! (listening to it in my head though, I'm at the library kalok), nyani ke maybe I should relax, I may be out of a job for now, but what's the use of stressing?I know I'm doing my best, and something big is yet to come for me. Ndipholile nyan ke ngok. but as for intombi ye charge!Mhmm mandngathethi...
Later!